Facing the Horizon
by Hikaru a
Summary: Eventually, all men have to face their monsters.


Facing the Horizon  
By Hikaru

Summary: Aoshi's thoughts after the fight with Kenshin in Shishio's fortress.

_Horizons rise here in my eyes  
A sound of silence calls  
But in my heart, a distant hope  
is mine forever more_

- Hyde  
_"HORIZON"_

The sound of my struggling breath echoed throughout the library. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to be alive. Unfortunately, I had to do both. Sharp pains struck me throughout my body, and not all of it had come from the wound that the Battousai had inflicted onto me.

His words had hurt me much further than any strike of his sakabatou could have.

I was weak.

I had given into chaos, wholeheartedly. Spread my arms open wide, and accepted any consequences that would come. Madness, insanity, I welcomed it. The only thing I desired in return was the ability to slay the Battousai.

But I could not even do that.

I had lost everything in my vain attempt to seek revenge for my fallen friends. My honor, my pride...

... my love.

_Get out of here. And never show your face to me again._

Such cruel words I had muttered to her. I had meant them. Why should she chase so longingly after a broken man? A man who had turned himself into a monster for the sake of fighting.

And yet she cried for me. She cried when the Battousai had promised to take me back to the Aoiya. Those words had struck me the hardest. After all I had done to her, she was supposed to hate me-- not shed tears for my sake.

Not only had I taken away her mentor, her caretaker, I had taken away the man that she loved. Gone now was the Shinomori Aoshi who would take care of her. He had died the same night as their four friends. Perhaps even earlier. The Shinomori Aoshi Misao loved died the night that he left the sleeping Misao on her futon. The night he left the Aoiya to become, in essence, a mercenary for hire. A desperate man clinging to his way of life. Yes, I saw that now.

A spasm shot through the muscles in my arms as I tried once again to push myself off of the floor. No, I couldn't move yet. The longer I lay on the floor, however, the more my mind began to go back-- back to memories that I would have to move forward from.

The Battousai was right. It was time for me to wake up. To shed the demons from inside of me and start anew.

But I was still very weak.

I needed to find strength from somewhere, anywhere.

_Aoshi-sama!_

My mind rolled with images of Misao, smiling, laughing, clinging, to me. Memories of her precious childhood that I had long since locked away from the monster. And then her innocent eyes filling with tears. I could only imagine how desperate she looked when the Battousai said he would spare my life. Would I have reacted the same put into her situation? Would I shed tears for her life?

I tried to push up from the floor once more, finally being able to stand. I bent over, still overflowing with immense pain. But it was nothing compared to what I had put _her_ through. Slowly, I took a few steps toward my kodachi that were still erect in the floor.

My right hand reached instinctively for the hilt of the kodachi closest to me. With a steady grip, I attempted to pull it out of the wood.

_Aoshi-sama! Why?_

Strength faltering, my hand gave out. The blade clattered against the floor.

_Why?_

Her question still now hung deep within my thoughts. I could hear her voice echo throughout the musty room.

She hadn't tried to attack me in revenge. All she could do was whisper the word that hurt me so much. Taking a step toward me, I heard her even reach out for me for the briefest of moments. As if she wanted to comfort me.

Even then, she still loved me so naively? Did she not see that I was a monster? How much I wanted to take back what I had done when she looked at me with that lost expression. I had expected her to come. The thought of killing her if she tried to stop us had even crossed my mind. Could I really raise a blade to her throat and tarnish that beautiful white skin with red blood?

Shaking such thoughts out of my mind, I helplessly reached out for my kodachi once more.

No, I could never bring any harm to her. Deep within my thoughts, I knew that I loved her. I always had, but I would never admit it to myself. No matter how much she smiled, touched, or whispered to me-- I could never let myself be open to her. I could not expose her to the monster within me.

Ever.

Instead, I would watch from the shadows. Follow her steps as she approached the bridge to womanhood. Forever watching, protecting. I would make sure no harm would come to her ever again.

The Battousai had kept his promise. It was time to keep mine. 

Fin 

Notes:  
It's been a while since I walked into Aoshi's POV and I thought it was high time to. Now if I really did this vignette true to what I believe Aoshi was thinking about while he lay on the floor, I'd have to make this NC-17. Because they are NAUGHTY THOUGHTS! cough Yes. 

Disclaimer:  
This fiction was written for entertainment purposes only. The characters of Rurouni Kenshin belong to Watsuki-san. Standard disclaimers apply. 


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